


Masks in the Dark

by JolieFolie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abduction, Anger Management, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Issues, Feels, Forced Marriage, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kidnapping, Marriage of Convenience, Slow Build, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-12 08:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JolieFolie/pseuds/JolieFolie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My mother arranged a marriage between me and General Hux. I thought things couldn't get any worse, until Supreme Leader Snoke ordered me to marry Kylo Ren instead. (Cross-listed on FF.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Force

My mom draws a smiley face in the sand in front of us, like my dad used to do every year on this day.

 

“Happy eighteenth, darling.” Mom is sitting beside me on the ground and we lean over to embrace one another.

 

Every time I hug her, time stops and I get the same feeling: _this is home._

I feel mom take a sharp breath inwards before she speaks. “I got you a present.”

 

I snap away from her, my eyes huge. “You didn’t! No, mom, we can’t afford it.” I shake my head frantically. I try to do a mental inventory of our metal shack; I didn’t see any mysterious packages. How many portions do we have left?

 

She’s smiling, but she holds it a little too long. Her eyes don’t look the same as when we’re bantering back and forth, making each other laugh after a long day. “It’s a surprise, but I want you to listen first. Promise me you’ll listen.”

 

Why is she acting weird? “Did the healer say you’re getting better?” I try to be optimistic, for both our health. Maybe it’s silly to be so hopeful.

 

Part of me knows the answer before she says it. “Darling,” she says sadly, tilting her head.

 

“Sorry. I’ll listen.”

 

She takes a deep breath in. Her words come out slowly. “I’ve found a way out. For you.”

 

I furrow my brows. “I don’t under—“

 

“Audrey, listen.” Her speech quickens. “When your father died, that was the same year I saved his life. He’d been… doing his thing, and --”

 

“I thought we weren’t going to call it that anymore.”

 

She bristles. “I prefer to be respectful. Your father ended up owing a lot to a group of Stormtroopers –“

 

“So he was gambling with members of the First Order? When I was thirteen?” I hear my voice getting louder. “You told me he quit when I was nine. You told me he was out looking for work all those nights –“

 

“Well, he wasn’t.” Mom’s voice rises to meet my own. Her expression is stern. “I’m sorry, Audrey – but what would _you_ tell a child?”

 

I fold my arms across my chest and gaze at the sinking sun, squinting.

 

“Anyway, naturally your father wasn’t able to pay them what he owed, and the Stormtroopers… well, he needed my help. That’s when the idea struck me. I’ve – Audrey, look at me.”

 

I turn my face reluctantly towards hers. I’m still bristling over her use of the word ‘naturally.’

 

Once she’s satisfied with my level of eye contact, she continues. “The Stormtroopers were going to kill your father. I begged them to spare his life, and the only way they would do so was if I offered them you in his place.”

 

I leap up. “Bullshit! So they’re coming to kill me, is that what you – Mom!” I feel like I’m hallucinating. There’s no way this is happening. This doesn’t make sense.

 

She stands up and grabs my upper arms. “No. You’re going to live. With them.”

 

I freeze. “But this is my home.” It almost comes out like a question. “How could you lie to me for five years?”

 

“I was afraid if I told you at the time, you would’ve run away.” She loosens her grip and her hands slide down my arms listlessly. For the first time I can remember, I see defeat in her eyes.

 

My mother. The strongest person I know.

 

“So you’re just – sending me away.” I try to keep my voice hard so I don’t cry; I’m so dehydrated, my vision only blurs a little. “But – why now?”

 

“It was important that you had… reached maturity first. The only way they would take a person alive was if that person was a woman.” She hesitates. “Of marrying age.”

 

The sun has almost disappeared in the horizon. A cold gust of wind whips sand into my mouth, but I can’t taste anything. “You’re saying you promised your daughter to one of the First Order men.”

 

“Audrey, please try to think rationally,” she pleads, and she sounds so helpless it’s jarring. “Learn from my mistakes. I married the only man I’ve ever loved, but he couldn’t protect or provide for his family. I thought I was doing the right thing. And I was happy, Audrey, I –“ her voice breaks. “He’s coming tonight. This General, he can protect you, he has power and resources –“

 

“It’s the First Order! How could you?” I can’t help it; I start crying. Around anyone else, I might be able to hold back my tears, but my mom’s been there for me my entire life. And now she’s giving me away. “I’d rather starve with the person I love, than marry some strange man from the Dark Side just to have something to eat.”

 

“Audrey, I’m older than you, and I’m smarter than you. And I’m telling you, love isn’t enough.”

 

“It should be. It has to be. Mom, please, I can support us both –“

 

She glances at the sky. In the twilight, a dark ship appears. “Not now. You were barely managing before, and now that I’m… Darling, we can’t afford the medicine on top of everything else.”

 

“So I’m to leave you here to die? If this General or whatever has any money, I can talk him into buying your medicine – yes, _I can_ – and I’ll fly back to you. I won’t marry him.”

 

“Oh, Audrey, think of the future! What about when we run out of medicine? What will you do when I’m gone? Do you want to spend the rest of your life working all day only to earn enough food to keep going until the next day? I don’t want you to live like a slave anymore. And I don’t want your children to live like slaves –“

 

“Mom! I’m not even thinking about kids yet. I’m thinking about –“

 

“Adventure?” Her eyes are wild. She looks like she’s trying to hide her desperation.

 

I freeze with my mouth open. That was the last thing I expected her to say.

 

“If you stay here, you’ll never have the time or the resources to explore the galaxy. I know you, Audrey, you’re my little girl, and I know you’re destined for more than what Jakku can offer. This planet is a prison. This General is the key to your freedom.”

 

The noise from the ship is getting louder. Stunned, I let her wrap her arms around me.

 

Her voice softens, but only slightly. “Once you see him, you’ll change your mind.”

 

 _But I don’t want freedom. I don’t want adventure._ I think back to when my parents were together, when I was a child and my father was alive and my mother was happy.

I wrap my arms around my mother, searching for the feeling of home.  _I just want my family back._

 

* * *

 

General Hux is severely ginger.

 

And he’s got an obnoxious curl to his lip.

 

You know what? He looks like an asshole.

 

I hear a ghost of my mother’s voice. “This is my lovely daughter, Miss Audrey. Darling, hold out your hand.”

 

I don’t.

 

Now that it’s dark outside, the only source of light is coming from his giant I’m-compensating-for-something ship that’s got probably a dozen Stormtroopers filing out of it. He’s standing right in front of the light, too, so it looks like his hair’s on fire.

 

Is this what Hades looks like?

 

“Is your daughter submissive?” he asks. As if I’m not standing right in front of him.

 

“Of course,” my mother says.

 

At the same time I say, “Bullshit.”

 

She stares at me. So I stare back. “Tell General Hux that he and his abominable snowmen can fuck off.”

 

“Audrey!”

 

General Hux turns on her. “I think you lied to me.”

 

“My daughter’s just stressed about this whole situation. She’s normally very sweet, very hardworking –“

 

Hux doesn’t looked too pleased.

 

Sensing a weakness, I interrupt. “My mother just wants me to marry you for your money and power. But to be quite honest, I won’t even wait till we’re married to steal your money. Don’t I sound like a good bride?”

 

His lip curls even more until this weird sound comes out of him. Is he laughing? He tilts his head back to talk to his Stormtroopers. “And here I thought there’d be nothing refreshing on this desert planet.” He looks at me. “Tell me, honest one, why do you need my money?”

 

“Actually, I don’t need anything from you. And I’d like you to leave.”

 

“Out of the question. I was promised a bride, and I’m not leaving without one.”

 

Two Stormtroopers grab my arms and haul me toward the ship. “Wait!” I try to fight back, but their grip is too strong. They pick me up until I feel like my arms are going to dislocate from my shoulders. I look over my shoulder. “Mom! My mom is part of the deal. Remember? It’s been five years, you probably forgot –“ I’m lying, but I’ll do anything to avoid leaving on that ship. I keep kicking, even though the Stormtroopers are already on the ramp.

 

Hux looks at my mother. His face is unreadable. What is he thinking?

 

My mom opens her mouth –

 

A dark laugh comes from inside the ship. And then the night goes quiet.

 

An incredibly tall, black, hooded figure stalks out of the ship. The Stormtroopers freeze. Or has time just stopped?

 

Instinctively, I know it’s male. But is it a man? His entire body is shrouded; his face looks like it’s entombed in black metal. “General Hux.” His deep voice sounds modulated. As he steps closer, I can make out a few dents near the mouth area of his mask. Not that the mask has a mouth.

 

He walks by me, as if I don’t exist.

 

There is a dark window where his eyes should be, and above that are several lines of silver metal, giving his mask the appearance of a very heavy brow. I try to peer inside the window, but all I see is darkness.

 

Hux turns around to face him. The man stops when he’s in front of Hux. His voice doesn’t break the silence, so much as seduce it into submission. “Your charms seem to be failing you.”

 

“Kylo Ren. Please. I’m conducting business.”

 

“Is that what you call this? You’re a hopeless romantic.” His voice is dripping with so much sarcasm it’s a wonder his mask doesn’t rust. He turns his face towards me.

 

My eyes widen. Is he looking at me? Another cold gust of wind blows by and I shiver.

 

“Audrey.” His fists are clenched.

 

I hear him say my name and I feel the blood drain from my face. It is both flattering and frightening to know this creature now knows my name. “What?” My voice comes out higher than usual. I pray to the Force I don’t look as scared as a sound.

 

“You may leave this ship.” He glances at the Stormtroopers. “Release the girl.”

 

I’m already tearing away from the Stormtroopers’ grip even before they let me go. I run back to my mom. I have no idea why he’s being so nice, but I’m not about to look a gift ship in the glove compartment.

 

My mom looks stunned.

 

“You managed to resist General Hux’s… allure. Forgive him. But every rookie needs a wingman. You have two options. Come aboard the ship, alone. Or –“

 

He glances away, and then the Stormtroopers are on me again.

 

I hear my mom whimper. I look over – there are three of those fuckers grabbing her arms. “Hey!” I yell at them, then wince as another three of them grab me, cutting off the circulation in my arms.

 

Kylo Ren looks in my direction again. “We’ll kill you both.”

 

All the Stormtroopers unsheathe their guns.

 

“Please, don’t kill my daughter!”

 

I squeeze my eyes shut for just a second. If I look at my mom right now, I’ll break. I stare at Kylo Ren, pretending I can see his eyes. They’re probably as cold and hard as his mask, anyway. “You’re a monster.”

 

“How ungrateful. Audrey, I’m giving you a choice.”

 

“I’d rather die than marry any one of you.” I turn my head as best I can to glare at the Stormtroopers holding down my mom. “Get your hands off my mother!”

 

Kylo Ren is still, but his fists are still clenched. “Hux, I gather you’re the type to believe a husband should make his wife’s decisions for her. What do you think?”

 

The wind picks up, blowing more strands of Hux’s hair out of place. “Kill every piece of garbage on this planet, for all I care.”

 

The barrel of a gun presses against my temple, hard. I hear my mom burst out crying. I can’t look; if I see my mother with a gun against her head, I will lose my sanity.

 

I try desperately to yank free, even if I have to lose my limbs in the process. “I’ll marry you,” I scream, my voice going hoarse.

 

Hux looks at me, as if he needs to appraise the genuineness of my panic. “Well, if you insist.” He signals to the Stormtroopers. I hear my mom hit the ground; I nearly get whiplash as the Stormtroopers haul me aboard the ship. As Hux boards the ship, he locks eyes with me. An oily smile cracks his face. “So you are submissive.”

 

I’m going to spit in his face, I swear to –

 

The door begins to close.

 

My mom is on the ground, her cheeks glistening with tears in the dying light from the ship. “Mom! I love you…” My voice cracks. When will I see her again? I can’t catch my breath –

 

Kylo Ren stands in front of me. Once the door is nearly sealed shut and I can no longer see my mother, the Stormtroopers put me down and he puts his hands on my shoulders.

 

I hate him. The only thing I can control right now is where I look, and I refuse to look at him.

 

“I understand this is hard for you. Are you wondering when you’ll see your dear mother again?”

 

I’ll never speak again. His ship smells like sweat and metal. But he doesn’t smell like anything.

 

The door seals shut. And just like that, this black hole of a man has swallowed me.

 

His grip on my shoulders tightens. His voice is somewhere between a growl and a whisper. “The answer is never.”


	2. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos, subscriptions, bookmarks, comments, and views! Although I must warn you, if you stay with me, I will take you on one hell of a rollercoaster ^_~

I can’t breathe. My instinct is to slam my body against the solid metal door of the ship – futile, but I’m desperate for a way out. A surge of energy bursts through me but, as soon as Kylo Ren lets go of my shoulders, I crumple to the floor.

 

Panic attacks are like orgasms – if you have to wonder if you’ve ever had one, chances are you haven’t.

 

It’s like watching somebody else take over my body; I’m vaguely aware of how hot my face is and, bewildered, I press a hand to my cheek and feel tears. I’m sitting on my legs but I can’t feel them. Even my hands look foreign.

 

I don’t belong to myself anymore.

 

“Get up.” General Hux grabs my wrist, hauls me to my feet, and drags me over to a pair of seats. “You’re sitting with me.”

 

I collapse into the hard chair. I hear something between a sob and a whimper come from inside me.

 

 _Don’t do this,_ I plead to my body. _You’re all I have now._

 

I look up through blurred vision and see Kylo Ren’s tall, broad figure standing behind the pilot.

 

The pilot speaks in a controlled but pressured voice. “Asteroids ahead. Reroute?“

 

“We must get to Starkiller Base immediately. We’ve already lost too much time retrieving the girl --“ Kylo Ren shoots a glance over his shoulder at General Hux. Even though I can’t see what his face looks like, judging by his acidic tone he’s probably not blowing kisses.

 

Hux looks like he’s about to say something. He stands up --

 

The pilot speaks. “Yes, sir. Prepare for turbulence.” The pilot’s hands whiz across the control panel. There are so many buttons and levers it makes my head spin.

 

Kylo Ren tightens his grip on the back of the pilot’s chair. His biceps swell beneath the black wrappings of his sleeve; they look as hard as his helmet. “Shouldn’t you be wearing your seatbelt, General?” He sounds like his teeth are clenched.

 

 _Seatbelt. Good idea._ With shaking hands, I feel around for one.

 

The corner of Hux’s mouth drags up slightly. “I am not the one who needs restraining.”

 

The ships jerks sideways, nearly throwing me out of my seat. I sniffle, trying to compose myself as I click my seatbelt into place. I don’t want to be here, but I want a cracked skull even less.

 

Kylo Ren lets go of the chair with one hand so he can face Hux head on. “I suggest you defer to Supreme Leader Snoke when it comes to deciding what you need.”

 

The ship jerks to the side again. Despite the seatbelt, I feel my stomach churn. I haven’t ridden in a ship in years.

 

Hux’s voice is smooth. If he’s intimidated by Kylo Ren’s aggressive stance, he doesn’t show it. “He has not offered any corrections to _me_ for quite some time.”

 

Kylo Ren’s chest expands, making his shoulders appear even broader.

 

The pilot speaks up. “We need to slow down, sir. The course is –“

 

Kylo Ren turns on the pilot and rips him out of his seat. “I will fly,” he yells, and I instinctively cringe at his volume. He seats himself in the pilot’s chair so fast, the co-pilot barely has time to snap his head to observe the switch.

 

The pilot backs away, stunned. General Hux’s face whitens. He resumes his seat beside me.

 

I look around frantically. “I need –“ I unclasp my seatbelt and run to the back corner of the ship.

 

Hux turns his head just in time to watch me vomit. There isn’t much in my stomach, but the dryness of my mouth combined with the taste of bile makes my eyes water. I feel my face heat up with shame. I don’t know why I’m embarrassed. I shouldn’t care what Hux, the Stormtroopers and… well, what anyone thinks of me.

 

I want to stay in the corner, away from them, but the ship jolts again and the need for a seatbelt forces me to wobble back to my chair.

 

Hux’s head shakes back and forth almost imperceptibly. “Snoke will be impressed with her,” he says under his breath. Then, loud enough for me to hear, he says, “With Kylo Ren flying, we should make it there in no time. That is, assuming we make it there in one piece.”

 

I don’t know if Kylo Ren heard Hux, but he yanks on a lever, accelerating hard. Everyone except Kylo Ren gets jolted to the side as we feel the kick. He flies like he’s forgotten all of us; he’s completely focused on the sky and the control panel. My stomach flips.

 

I accidentally stepped in a patch of sinking sand, once. I fought against the pull and only surrendered my shoe, but I’ll never forget how helpless I felt against that enigmatic strength.

 

I can't take my eyes off him.

 

 _He’s insane,_ I remind myself, squeezing my eyes shut and hanging on to my seat.

 

“A little harder, Kylo, I can still feel my ass,” Hux murmurs, I think; there’s too much noise coming from the engines to hear him clearly.

 

* * *

 

A Stormtrooper holds a gun to my head as he walks me down the ramp. I’m walking like I haven’t read the owner’s manual that came with my legs; he’s holding on to my arm partly to keep me close to him and partly to keep me on my feet. Our footsteps echo against the metal floor of the hangar.

 

General Hux waits for Kylo Ren to stride ahead with the other Stormtroopers and then hangs back with me. “Good work. I’ll take it from here. Release a bulletin regarding the girl’s appearance, lest she tries to escape,” he says to the Stormtrooper that’s holding my arm. Hux takes his own gun out of his holster and grabs my arm. Maybe it’s just because it’s cold in the hangar, but I shiver as soon as he touches me.

 

His eyes graze over my body. “Sensitive?”

 

 _Creep._ I yank my arm away but he holds on tighter. His hand is huge and encompasses my entire upper arm.

 

“You have nineteen minutes to make yourself look decent.” He leads me out of the hangar and down a hallway, crisply giving an order to a man dressed in First Order livery. “Bring the change of clothing and boots to lavatory one-thirteen. I will give you a bundle of soiled clothing. Incinerate it.”

 

I blink at Hux, trying to keep up with his pace. I run a hand over my stomach, feeling the fabric of the shirt my mom made for me. “What?”

 

He turns to a door and pushes it open, ducking into the room and dragging me behind him. It’s starkly lit; there’s a counter with a basin sunk into it, and a shower, but…

 

“Where’s the water?” I ask.

 

Hux huffs and grabs my hand, leading me over to the counter and practically slamming my hand against the knob on the basin. He keeps his hand over mine as he twists the knob. I make a yelping noise of pain but he ignores me. And then –

 

Clear water pours from the tap.

 

My mouth opens in astonishment and then I’m kissing the faucet and practically sucking out the delicious, cool water and I get three glorious gulps –

 

Hux yanks me away and shuts off the water. “Eleven minutes. You were already filthy, and then you had to relieve the contents of your stomach on my ship. Get in the shower.” He opens a cabinet above the counter and retrieves a plastic bottle of some green fluid, keeping one hand on his gun.

 

I’m dying to feel that water running all over my body. Damn him for making me want to cooperate. I stand in front of the shower with my arms crossed, facing him. “On my planet, it’s customary to give a person some privacy while they’re washing.”

 

“And leave you alone to escape?” Hux is interrupted by a knock on the door. Two hands appear holding a neatly folded bundle of black clothing with small black boots on top. Hux takes the bundle and the door closes.

 

“I’m not wearing that.” My voice trembles. The clothes I’m wearing are the last piece of home I have. He’s not getting them.

 

“Take off your clothes and get in the shower.”

 

I’m alone in a room with a strange man. He’s standing in front of the door holding a gun. I need to get the gun away from him. My eyes sweep the room looking for alternative weapons. There’s a small stack of towels beneath the counter, behind him. I could shatter the mirror and stab him --

 

“I’ll shower with my clothes on.” I’m hardly aware of what I’m saying. I need to buy time. What’s in the bottle? Can I toss the liquid in his eyes?

 

I dart towards the counter.

 

He puts his gun on the counter and pushes me into the shower; I trip over its bottom rim. My back slams against the wall, knocking the wind out of me. “No,” I shriek, pushing back against his taller body.

 

He’s yanking my shirt off. “This doesn’t belong to you anymore,” he hisses.

 

I twist my body around, kicking.

 

He dodges and, in the same motion, turns on the shower.

 

I’m clinging to my shirt as he wrestles it away from me. I hear a rip. I know it’s the fabric, but it feels like my heart is breaking. I look down and see my ruined shirt, made with the fabric my dad brought home the day before my twelfth birthday. He said we could afford it and I believed him. It was white when he brought it home to my mom, who kissed him in thanks. And then she sewed me this shirt…

 

Six years.

 

I barely get to bury my face in the worn fabric before Hux yanks it away from me.

 

I clutch my arms around my naked chest. “Mom.” My mouth forms the word, but nothing comes out. I don’t have a voice anymore.

                                    

He tears my pants off and throws them on the ground, blocking the exit of the shower door with his body. I fall to my knees, watching the sand and dirt wash down the drain. I used to hate sand; now I’d give anything to keep a speck of home with me.

 

_‘Would you ever wear something like this on your wedding day, princess?’ My dad held up the white fabric. His eyes were the same colour as mine. I wonder if he saw himself in me._

_‘Only if you walk me down the aisle,’ I said. ‘Will you?’_

_My mom rolled her eyes. ‘Honey, don’t give her any ideas, she doesn’t need to be boy crazy.’_

_‘Oh, hush, the girl’s got plenty of ideas, and they didn’t come from me.’_

_I ran my hand over the fabric. It felt like silk, something I’d only heard about in fairy tales. ‘It’s beaut--’_

“You’re clean. Get up.” Hux pushes a black towel at me. His gun is back in its holster.

Shivering, I towel-dry my hair first, and then the rest of me as quickly as possible. I just want clothes.

 

When I give the towel back, he hands me a bra first, then underwear – both with enough elastic in them to fit virtually any size. Then a pair of leggings with feet and a knee-length dress.

 

I touch my hair self-consciously. _He even washed my hair._

He hands me a cup of the green liquid. “Rinse out your mouth and spit into the sink.”

 

I gag as soon as I taste the burning liquid, but I comply with his order. Next, I cram my feet into the boots he gives me. “They’re too small.”

 

He looks me up and down and then opens the bathroom door. “You know what you do when something doesn’t fit?”

 

I must have water in my ears; his voice seems distant. I follow him out of the bathroom so he doesn’t have a reason to grab my arm.

 

He glances down the opposite end of the hallway before marching forward. His voice is cold. “You break it in.”

 

* * *

I practically run down the hall trying to keep up with his stride until we get to a large set of double doors that come together to form a dark, tall trapezoid.

 

“We’re already late.” Hux’s face is white. “Do not speak unless spoken to. And maintain eye contact.”

 

The doors open with a hiss, as if we’re entering a serpent’s lair. I follow Hux into the darkness.

 

Hux marches in ahead of me like he’s done this a hundred times, but I step inside more carefully. When my eyes adjust to the dusty, blueish light, the first thing I see is Kylo Ren. He must have heard the door open; he turns his entire body towards me and his shoulders curl inward for a split second. I get an impulse to run to him, as if the thought was planted in my brain, but then he turns his body away and I remember I’m supposed to be following Hux.

 

“General Hux, so good of you to join us,” a deep, gravelly voice fills the room. It echoes off the hard walls and I realize just how enormous this room is. It has the hush of a hollow cathedral; something haunted dwells here.

 

I look up at the source of the voice, my neck craning as my gaze trails up the figure of a seated humanoid creature draped in a robe. He must be three storeys high; I’ve never seen anyone that huge before. Yet, despite his size, he looks emaciated. The light is coming from behind his skull. I feel the blood drain from my head as I strain my eyes to see his face, at the same time fearing what awaits me if I do see his face.

 

Hux stands beside Kylo Ren, leaving a gap between them. “Supreme Leader Snoke.” Hux bows. “Please accept my sincerest apologies. The girl was being difficult.”

 

I walk until I reach the gap; there’s more than enough space for me. I stare at Snoke, feeling like I’m going to faint, until I see the wall behind him – he’s a hologram.

 

He leans forward until I can see his face. His eyes –

 

Hux said I had to maintain eye contact. I force myself to keep looking.

 

His eyes are tiny and black, like those of a snake. A tiny glint in them is the only indicator that I’m not looking at a corpse.

 

I feel myself start to sway to the left. I realize I’ve been holding my breath. I catch myself before I fall, but not before I bump into Kylo Ren’s arm. He doesn’t budge. It’s like bumping into a statue.

 

Snoke narrows his eyes at Hux, scrutinizing him. “I see. You normally operate with such efficiency. I trust you will apply this same ethic in getting your bride ready for the wedding tomorrow?”

 

I nearly choke. I thought I would have more time to hatch an escape plan. My heart sinks the floor. _How am I going to pull this off?_

I curse under my breath, steeling myself. _I’ll figure something out. I can’t lose hope._

“My Lord, I promise I will not disappoint you. My bride will conform to the First Order’s code of conduct.”

 

“I have no doubt that this woman is capable of conforming. What I question is your ability to motivate her. Kylo Ren has informed me that you failed to use all the resources available to you when retrieving her – is that correct?”

 

Hux is still, save for the pulse beating above his stiff, black collar.

 

Snoke continues. “And now you have failed to motivate her to attend our meeting on time.” He places his thumb and forefinger on his chin. “You have given me cause to reconsider this arrangement.”

 

“My Lord, with all due respect, the girl was promised to me five years ago.”

 

Snoke leans forward. “The woman was promised to the First Order, through no maneuvering of your own.” He leans back. “We have a unique resource. Do not underestimate the power of the senses. Lust has always been an incentive for driving men to action. You are a man of action, General Hux, but I do not think this woman will be a source of strength for you.”

 

Hux nods once. “I defer to your wisdom, Supreme Leader. With your permission, I will ensure that she is deposited on the nearest planet at once.”

 

My heart leaps into my mouth. Anywhere but here is heaven. I don’t care what planet they dump me on, just so long as I’m out of the clutches of the First Order. I’ll find my way back home somehow. I have to.

 

I look down so Snoke can’t see the moisture in my eyes. _The nightmare is almost over. Mom…!_

Snoke remains silent.

 

Hux speaks up again. “If that is not to your satisfaction, I can arrange for her to be executed.”

 

I snap my head to look at Hux. I feel like slapping him; I keep my hands tightly clasped in front of me. My only consolation is that it seems like Snoke has the final word in this hierarchy. I find myself silently praying to this enormous, hollow man. _Please, no…_

The room is so silent, I can hear the dust falling from the ceiling.

 

“General Hux, I hereby void your betrothal to this woman. Audrey –“

 

Eyes wide, I snap my head up to look at him. He’s been acting as if I’m not here, I didn’t realize he knew my name.

 

Snoke continues. “You will stay on Starkiller Base. Prepare to be wed tomorrow.”

 

I knit my eyebrows together.

 

Hux makes a quick, confused noise before composing himself. Kylo Ren’s the only one who doesn’t seem to react. Although he could be asleep under that mask, for all I know.

 

“There is an impending war. The First Order shall use every resource at its disposal. Kylo Ren, I need you at your strongest. I command you to take Audrey as your bride.”

 

My clasped hands fly up to my mouth, stifling my gasp.

 

Hux whips around to stare at me. Or Kylo Ren. I don’t know, I’m still staring at Snoke’s serpent eyes.

 

“No.” The word falls from my lips, the faintest of whispers.

 

I know it’s irrational and shallow of me, but I start worrying about Kylo Ren’s appearance. If he’s anything like the other First Order men… well, I can’t look at Hux objectively because he’s barely been acting like a human being. And Snoke is clearly some sort of senile sociopath. Kylo Ren – he’s probably the worst. That mask is probably necessary to conceal a face like Snoke's, eaten away as if rotting –

 

I can’t think about it or I’ll start screaming. I cover my face with my hands. Tomorrow is my wedding night. I can’t do what wives and husbands do on their wedding night, not with Kylo Ren, not with anyone in this place.

 

“Yes, my Lord,” says Hux, his voice hollow.

 

“As you wish, Supreme Leader.” Kylo Ren says. His slow, metallic voice makes me shudder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have tumblr and like waking up to Star Wars trash, feel free to follow me, I'm SittingWithYourLegsOpen.


	3. To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, but it owns me.  
> Happy reading!

After the hologram of Snoke disintegrates, General Hux is the first one to start walking to the door. I follow him. Kylo Ren is behind me but his long legs quickly allow him to catch up to Hux. As he passes me, his arm brushes against mine for a split second – long enough for me to wonder if it was deliberate but lightly enough to be an accident.

 

I wince, but it’s not because of his touch. My feet are starting to swell inside these too-small boots.

 

The door hisses closed so quickly, it clips my ass before I get a chance to jump away. I make a sharp noise of surprise.

 

Hux whips around, looking like he’s about to scold me, but then he turns on Kylo Ren. “You stole her from me.” He speaks matter-of-factly, but his features have hardened.

 

Kylo Ren stops and faces him. They’re exactly the same height. “I stole nothing. Audrey belongs to the First Order, and soon she will be mine.”

 

“But you do not belong to her." Hux takes a slow step towards him and lowers his voice. "Remember this.” He steps away, keeping his gaze on Kylo Ren’s mask as if he can see straight through it. “You’re not on your honeymoon yet. I expect you at your post at oh-seven-hundred hours tomorrow.” Hux walks away in his over-the-knee boots like he’s got a stick up his ass.

 

I start wondering what time it is. How much longer do I have till tomorrow morning? I need to convince Kylo Ren to leave too, so I can find a way off this fucking Starkiller-whatever. Or, failing that, a hiding spot. I’d be willing to hide in a trash compactor, if it meant being safe from Kylo Ren’s hands.

 

His gloves gleam faintly, like moons reflecting stolen light. He places his hands on his hips and stares at me – or at least, his face is aimed at me. Not knowing what he’s doing with his eyes is making me anxious, like I have to work twice as hard to conceal my facial expressions to make up for my lack of armour.

 

His chin lowers, as if he’s slowly looking me up and down. The outfit Hux gave me only shows my hands, neck and head, so I don’t know why I feel so naked. I cross my arms in front of my chest, partly to cover myself and partly to hide the fact that my hands are trembling. A voice inside me tells me to run away, even if I only make it a few yards down the hall before he grabs me. But there’s another part of me that’s freezing my legs, wondering if he has something to say.

 

He tilts his head. “Perhaps we can come to an arrangement.”

 

I glance behind my back; we’re completely alone. “I think there’s been enough ‘arranging’ for one day.”

 

“But none of it has been in your favour. Till now. Are you interested?” He turns his back to me slightly. The top layer of the back of his shawl tapers like a predator’s tooth and is frayed around the edges. He looks over his shoulder at me, as if he’s about to speak again.

 

Instead, he starts walking away.

 

What the hell is he talking about? Curiosity carries me towards him.

 

Wait a sec. I halt, but he keeps walking, as if he doesn’t care whether I follow or not. I remain still, trying not to let my breathing become too frantic. Hux was adamant about not leaving me alone; why is Kylo Ren acting so differently?

 

I take a step backwards, testing him. This is definitely going to piss him off.

 

But he doesn’t even look behind him. He keeps walking.

 

I ran every day on Jakku; I’m light on my feet. All I have to do is run away until I find a hidey hole somewhere, or a fork in the corridor. Maybe I can steal a Stormtrooper outfit. They take showers, don’t they?

 

He’s approaching a turn. In a moment, we’ll be out of each other’s sight, and then I can –

 

 _Now_. I bolt in the opposite direction.

 

Heart racing, legs pumping – I approach a turn.

 

And then I freeze. It’s like every cell in my body hits a wall. I try to push my legs forward, willing myself to move.

 

Did I run into a force field? Is there a hidden laser in the wall?

 

I hear his rapid footsteps behind me. I try to turn my head, but all I can move are my eyes. I can’t even move my mouth; the most I can do is make a pressured, helpless humming noise.

 

“I can’t believe Hux called you difficult. You disappoint me, Audrey.” He sounds close enough to wrap his arms around my waist and mouth -- if he wanted to. Until I get myself out of this paralysis, he could do anything to me. He stalks around me until he’s standing directly in front of me. He clasps his hands behind his back, as if trying to seduce me into believing he won’t touch me. “The First Order Code of Conduct demands that we listen to our superiors. And now you will listen to me, even if I have to hold you like this all night.”

 

Luckily, I can still breathe. I feel my nostrils flare. _Oh good, I can still move my nostrils, what a relief,_ I think sarcastically, at the same time trying to get a grip on my fear so I can understand what he said.

 

If he is capable of paralyzing people without the use of technology, then that must mean…

 

“I overheard you tell Hux you were interested in his money. Yet you fought so hard to stay where you were, as if poverty were as much a parent to you as your own mother. You fascinate me.”

 

_If you’d let me speak, I’d explain it to you, asshole._

 

No, you know what, I’m glad I can’t talk; he doesn’t deserve to know. He never will.

 

He brings a hand, slowly, up to my head. His hand seems even larger now that I can’t flinch to move away from it. He stops just before he touches me, as if he’s cupping the air beside my ear. “Don’t be afraid to tell me what you want. Perhaps I can give it to you.”

 

He’s too close. This is too intimate. I squeeze my eyes shut because it feels like he’s sucking my soul out of me. I wish I could push him away.

 

 _No one can give me what I want,_ I feel like saying.

 

Even when my dad was alive, I was the only one I could count on to keep myself safe. Sometimes I’d turn around and my dad would be chasing off a wild animal so it wouldn’t hurt me. But other times, I’d turn around expecting to see him and it was like he’d disappeared. It didn’t matter how much I searched; sometimes it was like he didn’t want to be found. In the short thirteen years I knew him, not once was I able to predict when he’d be there for me.

 

My mom kept me safe in a different way; she maintained my trust. I could tell her anything.

 

Except one thing. When Dad died, among the million things I was feeling, I never told her about the relief I felt at knowing he’d abandoned me for the last time. That he would never disappoint me again.

 

My mother was always the constant. But then she --

 

I lose my train of thought, as if it were a gown being stripped from my skin. It’s jarring; I suck in a breath through my nose and open my eyes.

 

“Your mother has been ill for some time.” Kylo Ren’s voice is low behind his mask, and I can’t tell whether he’s offering sympathy or mocking me. The pad of his finger brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, but only for a second – he moves his hand away quickly.

 

There’s no way he could have known that without reading my mind. How much else did he read? Now I know why he makes me feel exposed. I stare up at him, unblinking. He’s too dangerous for me to take my eyes off him.

 

He is silent for several moments, and then I feel my muscles relax.

 

My legs are weak from being paralyzed for so long. I try to catch my balance before I fall over, but not before my hands accidentally knock into his abdomen. He’s so solid, my instinct is to hold on to him – but I pull my hands away. I practically choke. “You read my –? You can use the –?“

 

“All you need to know is that your mother doesn’t have to die. Not if you let me help.”

 

“You’re saying you can cure her infection?”

 

He turns his head away, as if bored. “I noticed you shifting your feet during the meeting. Hux had his servant prepare your arrival outfit – forgive his inhospitality. Would you like a pair of shoes that fit?” He walks back down the hallway, in the direction he had always planned on taking me.

 

I hesitate. I can’t trust him.

 

But I can’t think of any other explanation than Force sensitivity for what he was able to do. And if he can use the Force, could that mean…? I’ve never met anyone who was Force sensitive, only heard rumours about its powers, including the power to heal.

 

I need more information.

 

I have to sprint to catch up with his long strides, but once I’m beside him, he slows his pace for me.

 

* * *

 

During our walk he said he was taking me to a tailor. I expected to see some guy hunched over a sewing machine in a basement. Instead, he takes me through a set of glass doors and into a room with racks of black clothing neatly organized in rows. The walls have glowing, red panels and the ceiling has fluorescent lights arranged into severe, six-pointed stars. In the back, there is a wall made entirely out of criss-crossed wires with a red velvet curtain hanging three quarters of the way down, blocking my view of what would otherwise be the see-through wall. I wonder what’s behind there?

 

“We’re here for Zeena,” he says, and I look up at him confused until I realize he’s talking to someone else. I was so absorbed by my bizarre surroundings that I didn’t notice there was someone here. I look over just in time to see a woman wearing a silver dress with the First Order insignia on the breast rush away behind the curtain, and I notice there’s a trapezoidal archway in the wire wall.

 

He looks down at me. “Starkiller Base does not have the same demand for wedding gowns as it does for standard-issue uniforms. There has not been a wedding involving someone of my status for many years. Zeena will be thrilled at the opportunity.” He turns his head to look at a woman approaching.

 

She is tall and curvy and wearing a black leather pencil skirt with a matching, long-sleeve tee that billows out around the waist before being tucked into a wide belt. Her red flats are silent against the lacquered black floor. She gestures for us to sit on a black, velvet couch with a back that’s just as curvy as she is. I take a seat but Kylo Ren remains standing.

 

I’m trying not to imagine what kind of wedding dress he’s going to put me in. Probably some all-black bride of Frankenstein fetish getup. Like, look at this fucking place.

 

She greets him in a cordial but professional manner, her almond-shaped eyes regarding him coolly. “Where is General Hux?”

 

“General Hux is satisfied with his coat. Do not worry about him. I wish to order a wedding gown for my fiancée, as well as a complete wardrobe.”

 

“And shoes,” I whisper, staring at Zeena’s feet.

 

If he heard me, he makes no indication. “The gown must be delivered to my guest chamber by tomorrow afternoon. I trust this presents no issue.”

 

“I don’t sleep,” she says, and I’m about to laugh until I realize her face hasn’t moved.

 

“I defer to your professional judgement when it comes to the design. But, Zeena, I do have one request. I’ve –“ His voice starts to lose its edge. He glances over at me. “Allow me to speak frankly. I would like to see my bride wearing white tomorrow, and again whenever possible.”

 

Zeena blinks. “It – can be accommodated, keeping in mind the dress code.” She looks like she has something more to say but isn’t saying it. Her eyes dart to his hands, which are clenched into fists.

 

“This is my first wedding. I have expectations, as does my fiancée.” He whips around as if to leave, and then stops abruptly, like he realized we’re still here. He faces me. “I will leave you to be fitted. I don’t need to tell you to defer to Zeena’s authority in the likely event that your tastes differ. Rags may be easy to remove, but they aren’t as easy on the eyes.” He marches away, the tails of his outfit billowing out behind him.

 

My face heats up and I try to cover it with a scowl. I bite my tongue to keep from snapping,  _love you too, space muffin!_

 

“I will return in one hour,” he calls out.

 

My eyes fly to Zeena’s face, waiting for her reaction. She hasn’t smiled once. As much as I hate everyone in the First Order, I can’t help but yearn for a friend, or at least someone I don’t have to fear. I decide to be nice to her. Besides, it’s not her fault I’m here. “Can I just say, your shoes are –“

 

“Coffee? No? Good,” she interrupts, not looking at me. She makes a small gesture for me to follow her as she turns around. “Fitting room is this way.”

 

* * *

 

I’ve never seen so many new clothes in my life. I thought the racks in the front of the store were all they had, but Zeena kept going behind her curtain and pulling out more and more clothes. I've always had a weakness for beautiful things, not having many of them back home. Damn the First Order. I hate to admit I did have a favourite: a floor-length cobalt blue dress. I’d been in such a rush to try it on that I hadn’t noticed it was completely backless. Zeena saw how humiliated I was to be wearing something so revealing and that was when she finally cracked a smile.

 

“You must be young." She scrutinized me as if she had questions but wasn’t asking them. “I can’t understand why he’s marrying you. I’ve never seen him with a woman. Then again, if anyone was able to understand Kylo Ren – Force knows I’ve tried – things would be a lot different around here.”

 

Whenever I thought she wasn’t looking, I peeked at the clock sitting on the desk.

 

Kylo Ren comes back exactly an hour later, just like he said he would.

 

I changed back into the dress and leggings that Hux gave me. He looks me up and down, as if he was hoping for some sort of transformation. The only thing I've changed are my shoes. Zeena gave me black Mary Janes with a double ankle strap and a bow atop the toe. She wanted to give me a three-inch heel, but after I almost twisted my ankle walking in a pair, she compromised by giving me only one inch. Aside from the relief I feel from not having my feet squeezed into tiny boots anymore, I’m also a bit reluctant to admit how much I like these new shoes.

 

But easy come, easy go. The problem with accepting handouts from people is that they can snatch them back just as quickly. I know these new shoes aren’t a sign of Kylo Ren’s generosity, so much as a way to keep me dependent on him.

 

Zeena turns away from me and addresses him directly, her hands clasped in front of her. The way he commands attention as soon as he enters a room kind of makes me feel invisible. “My team will have her new clothes ready in forty-eight hours. When you see the wedding gown tomorrow, I promise you’ll be pleased.”

 

“Your confidence inspires me,” he says in monotone, and then dismisses her.

 

I hope the clothes she picks for me are modest enough to wear in public. If she’s really mean, she’ll send the backless dress.

 

I follow him out and we take so many different elevators and hallways, I lose count.

 

We walk past a chrome door. “This is my bedchamber. And,” he says, walking further down the hall. “this is my guest chamber.”

 

I frown. The two rooms are on the same side of the wall and close enough to make me wonder if they connect on the inside. “I thought it would be a cell somewhere. Why do you have a guest room right beside your room?”

 

“The chamber is meant to house my concubines.”

 

“What?” I turn on him, not bothering to hide the judgement in my face. Part of me starts to wonder how sexually experienced he is, but then I pummel that thought all the way to the ‘restricted section’ of my brain. “You’re getting married and you keep --?”

 

He cuts me off, his voice getting louder and his shoulders tensing. “I told you its intended purpose, that is all. Would you rather sleep in the hall?”

 

“I’m not going to sleep at all.” I try to sound confident, despite the fact that my nerves are shot.

 

He huffs and storms past me towards the second door. “This room is yours only for tonight. The rest of your nights will be spent with me.”

 

My stomach lurches.

 

He presses a button on the wall to slide the door open and gestures for me to enter. “I will send for you tomorrow.”

 

I walk over to him, but I don’t enter. “Hang on. What about what you said earlier? About healing my mom? I need to know more about the Force.”

 

“I will explain everything you need to know after the wedding.”

 

I shake my head. “I won’t say ‘I do’ until I know your word is good. And I need to know that I can come with you when you fly back to Jakku.”

 

He steps towards me so suddenly, I step back without thinking. “I thought you said you’d had enough arranging for one day. Are you always this capricious?”

 

I blink, a little surprised that he was listening well enough to remember what I said. Another part of me is trying to figure out what the fuck ‘capricious’ means. “No.” I lift my chin.

 

He takes another step towards me, forcing me to crane my neck up to look at him. I tell myself I’m not going to take another step back – he’s not going to win – but then he leans towards me, close enough that we could kiss –

 

I jump back, worried that he’ll read my mind again. Where are these thoughts coming from?

 

Only then do I realize he’s jockeyed me into the guestroom. I look over my shoulder at the single bed in the corner with red sheets made up military style and a metal nightstand with a cylindrical lamp glowing softly. There aren’t any windows. It’s like being in the belly of a beast.

 

He stands in the doorway, blocking my exit. “We’re done.”

 

“Wait --"

 

He turns his back. “No, Audrey. You don’t get to tell me what to do.” He exits and slams his fist against the button, sealing the door shut and switching off the overhead light. The bedside lamp is the only thing that prevents me from plunging into total darkness.

 

I close my eyes, trying to forget that I'm locked in a tiny room.

 

And then a fire ripples through my spine. I grab the lamp and throw it against the wall, smashing it.

 

I am not afraid of the dark.


	4. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments, bookmarks, kudos, and subscriptions!  
> 

I told myself I wasn’t going to eat anything the entire time I was here, as a form of protest. And I was doing really well…

 

Until breakfast showed up. The First Order may be evil, but I’ll tell you one thing: their omelets fucking rock.

 

When the silver domestic droid returns with a broom and dustpan to clean up the broken lamp, the plate and cups it handed me when it first walked in are completely clean and my stomach feels like a tempest of eggs, veggies, coffee and juice.

 

Part of me is in ecstasy from how delicious the meal was, but another part of me is guilty that I’m enjoying this alone – that my mom is dying back on Jakku, eating the same meager rations of water bread that we eat every day. I don’t even know how she’s coping without me earning portions. The sooner I marry Kylo Ren so we can fly back and cure her, the better.

 

There’s a question on the tip of my tongue, and I’m not sure if I have enough pride to hold it back. I look sheepishly at the droid heading for the exit, the dustpan and broom in one hand and the plate with cups on it balanced on the other hand like a badass waitress. “Could I have some more?”

 

The droid turns to me slowly. Its metal face is permanently molded into an impersonal, half-surprised look. “More lamps?” It looks down at the dustpan, almost sympathetically, and lowers its feminine voice. “Does your reign of terror know no bounds?”

 

I sigh. “I mean, more breakfast.”

 

The droid snaps its head up to look at me, like it’s going to reject my request.

 

“It was delicious,” I add hastily, smiling and hoping nothing’s caught in my teeth. “You can tell the chef I said that.”

 

“I’m sorry. Protocol allows one serving per prisoner.” The droid turns its back.

 

My shoulders sag. My stomach is aching; I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. All I know is that since my hunger strike was a total failure, I may as well eat as much of this nutritious food as I can.

 

Hey, maybe I can single-handedly cause a famine on Starkiller Base by eating all their rations, and that would be the end of the First Order. I bet Kylo Ren doesn’t know what it’s like to go hungry.

 

I square my shoulders and stare hard enough at the back of the droid to practically shoot lasers into it. “Excuse me, I am not a prisoner. I’m Kylo Ren’s… fiancée.” I try not to shudder.

 

The droid stops, but doesn’t look at me. “How is this datum relevant?”

 

 _Because I’m starving._ “Because.” I take a deep breath, hoping it can’t hear my voice shaking. “I’m currently underweight and not fit for bearing children.” I have to stop; I feel nauseous.

 

The droid turns. Its wide, unblinking eyes scan my body. I hold my breath.

 

“I will return with a second serving.” It exits the room, the door locking behind it.

 

* * *

 

 

When the droid returns for a fourth time, it’s carrying a garment bag and a shoebox.

 

“Holy shit,” I breathe when I unzip the bag. The droid looks at me, as if chastising.

 

The dress is pure white and floor length. The long sleeves are made of sheer lace and come up to form a v-neck over the opaque, sweetheart neckline. An endless line of buttons snakes down the back, all the way from the neck to where my tailbone will be. It’s intimidating how beautiful and elaborate it is. I stare at it like it’s going to bite.

 

“Are you telekinetic?”

 

I blink at the droid. “No.”

“Then allow me.” It grabs the dress and starts undoing the buttons with amazing efficiency. “I must deliver you to the ceremonial chamber in twenty-seven minutes. There isn’t a nanosecond to spare.”

 

Zeena was nice enough to include some fresh underwear, made of a seamless, thin fabric that won’t show panty-lines. I wonder if all of the First Order employees are this detail-oriented.

 

The droid turns its back so I can slip out of my black outfit. It’s not until I’m standing naked save for the new underwear that I feel tears start to form in my eyes.

 

_No, you’re stronger than this. You’re doing this for Mom._

 

I shiver. “I can’t wear this.”

 

“What do you –? Oh!“ The droid turns to face me but then whips around when it sees I haven’t put the dress on yet. I hug the dress to my chest to cover myself.

 

At least the droid is polite enough to give me a bit of privacy. Sometimes I wish I could think like a robot. That way I wouldn’t be stupid enough to show my weaknesses. If I tell anything to this droid, will it report it back to Kylo Ren, or anyone else? How much privacy do I really have?

 

The droid speaks a little quicker than usual. “What is the matter? Zeena assured me the dress would fit.”

 

I shake my head. “It’s fine. It’s just…” I debate how much information to reveal. I’m so used to sharing everything with Mom and always having something to keep me busy; being isolated in this room has not only been boring, but lonely. My heart leaps into my throat. “I used to dream about weddings when I was a kid. I thought the only thing I knew for sure was that my dad would walk me down the aisle.”

 

“May I turn around?”

 

I remember I’m clutching the dress. Steeling myself, I quickly slip into it so the droid can look at me.

 

The droid’s hands fly to my back and start buttoning up the dress before I can protest. “I regret to say I’m quite useless in times of emotional distress. If it would ease your discomfort, I could say I know how you feel. Although that would be false, as it is against my programming to dream.”

 

I try to push away the feeling of claustrophobia as the droid fastens the last button on the back of my neck. The delicate lace tickles my collarbones; it feels like two ghosts are sitting on my shoulders. “Don’t you think that’s sad?”

 

The droid sets a pair of white satin pumps in front of me. “I’m sorry, but your inquiry is puzzling. May I suggest refining your query?”

 

I stare at it, a little stunned.

 

The droid glances at the shoes. “Please, we cannot afford to be late. I do not have the security you have attained. If I disobey Kylo Ren’s orders, he will send me to the scrap metal recycling unit.” Its voice rises on the last few words.

 

An electric jolt of power tickles my spine. If I refused to leave this room, Kylo Ren would be down one droid. I don’t owe him – or this droid – anything. The droid clearly doesn’t care about me. Why should I care about it? Besides, if Kylo Ren wants a wife, he can’t expect one to come skipping along to him. He shouldn’t have it so easy. “You’re afraid of dying?”

 

“It… would be counterproductive.”

 

I look at its metal face, frozen into a single expression. Its hands are up around its upper abdomen, as if in a defensive, nervous posture. As the electricity fades from my spine, a wave of pity forms in my gut. I can’t believe Kylo Ren would trash a droid as punishment for someone else’s actions.

 

_I’m not like him._

 

I slip into the shoes. “You know what? I think you do have dreams. You’re just programmed to forget them.” I gesture for the droid to open the door. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

The droid leaves me at a set of double doors. I can’t hear any music coming from inside, and a little part of my heart sinks. There had always been music playing in the background of my wedding fantasies.

 

The First Order probably has quick, utilitarian weddings so their members can get back to work as soon as possible. Zeena didn’t even make me a veil. I haven’t seen Kylo Ren all day. It’s probably going to be him and me signing a piece of paper and that’s it – he just wanted me to wear a dress and heels to embarrass me.

 

The doors begin to slowly slide open. I freeze with anxiety. “Wait.” I gaze after the droid.

 

“I am needed elsewhere. Good luck.” It nods once and then walks away.

 

The doors finally open, revealing a massive hall with rows and rows of metal benches full of people. There’s probably a hundred – no, two hundred – people in there. My stomach flips.

 

I can’t do this.

 

I look for the giant hologram of Snoke – you’d think he’d want to attend an event that apparently is this big – but from where I’m standing, I don’t see him.

 

There’s a long, red carpet in front of me, leading straight down the aisle. As I try not to faint, I let my gaze walk up the aisle, and that’s when I see him.

 

Kylo Ren.

 

He’s standing on the platform and, even though he’s so far away, he’s all I can see. It’s like the rest of the people fade into the darkness. I feel like I’m on an island and if I take one step, I’ll fall off and drown.

 

He’s looking directly at me. His hand rises from his side – palm up, arm straight – in a slow gesture of beckoning.

 

I feel like a grain of sand being blown by the wind. I take the first step.

 

At that moment I realize General Hux is standing beside him. He’s staring at me, and so are the hundreds of people…

 

I’m not even clutching a bouquet of flowers. I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to hide behind. I bow my head, hoping my dark hair covers my face and turns me into a shadow. I try to walk faster, just to get this over with, but I’m practically tripping over the three-inch heels Zeena sent with the dress. I curse myself; I should have just worn my other shoes.

 

As I stumble down the aisle, I try in vain to read the minds of everyone in the audience. Why are they staring? Do they know something I don’t? Do they know what Kylo Ren (or General Hux, why is he standing up there?) is going to do to me?

 

The stiletto heel gets caught in the carpet. I trip; the shoe twists off and I land on my hands and knees.

 

It’s like being in a nightmare. My face burns, anticipating laughter or jeers or at least a gasp.

 

But the hall remains silent. It’s like they can’t decide whether to acknowledge my existence or not.

 

I pick myself up, sneaking a glance backwards at the doors. The memory of Kylo Ren freezing my body is the only thing that stops me from running out. There’s no way I’d let him do that to me in front of all these people.

 

I kick off my other shoe and bend over to grab them. Holding the heels in one hand and the front of my dress in the other, I storm down the aisle in my bare feet.

 

Kylo Ren’s still wearing his fucking mask – you’d think he’d take it off on his wedding day – so I can’t tell whether he’s furious or laughing. My hands are shaking. I throw the tiny, flimsy heels down at his feet.

 

Before they hit the floor he grabs my hands and yanks me over to him. I stumble and collide into his broad, hard body. He stares down at me and I regret taking my heels off; I could have used the extra height.

 

“Kylo Ren and Audrey.” General Hux’s voice booms. “Today you enter as individuals, but you will leave here as husband and wife, blending your lives, embarking upon the grandest adventure of human interaction.”

 

His tone is so dry, Kylo Ren tears his gaze away from me to send him what I can only assume is a warning look.

 

Hux glares at Kylo Ren. His voice turns jagged. “The story of your life together is still yours to write. All those present have come to witness and celebrate your commitment this day, eager to be a part of the story not yet told.”

 

I stare at Hux. Did someone forget to tell him he’s presiding over a wedding? He sounds like he’s barking orders to an army.

 

“Kylo Ren, you have secured for yourself a potent resource. But the only real security is not in owning or possessing – not in demanding or expecting. Not in hoping.” Hux’s eyebrows knit together as he glares at him. “Security lies in living in the present relationship. Accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea. Continually visited – and abandoned – by the tides.”

 

It’s a little jarring to hear Hux speak so poetically. Someone must have told him to say that. My heart swells. I think of Mom, back home. And Dad... wherever he is.

 

Kylo Ren holds me tighter against his body, the lace of my dress catching on the rough fabric of his robes, but he keeps his face turned towards Hux.

 

“Do you, Kylo Ren, take Audrey to be your lawfully wedded wife, a mirror for your true self, promising to protect her and own her until either of you surrenders to Death?”

 

Kylo Ren turns his head to address the audience. They’re all wearing black, as if it’s a funeral. “I take this woman, Audrey, as my own. Let it be known that from this day forth, she is mine.” His deep voice echoes off the hard walls and up to the high ceiling. No one in the audience takes their eyes off him.

 

Hux’s chest rises and falls slightly, as if he needs extra oxygen to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Great,” he mutters under his breath, his lips barely moving. He looks at me, his face barely disguising his contempt. “Do you, Audrey from Jakku, take Kylo Ren to be your lawfully wedded husband, and promise to serve and obey him until you surrender to Death?”

 

I try to move away from Kylo Ren. I need to be standing independently to answer this. He loosens his grip but he doesn’t let me part from him. I look at the audience, wondering if I’m supposed to copy what Kylo Ren did, but the sea of faces is too intimidating. I take a deep breath. Part of me worries that he’s reading my mind right now. But I can’t lie to myself.

 

_I will never serve him._

Hux looks like he’s trying to burn my face off with his gaze. The only place left to look is up at Kylo Ren. He’s so much taller than me, it’s a little dizzying.

 

The entire audience is silent.

 

I squeeze his hands, hard. I hope he’s wincing under that mask. “I do.”

 

Hux produces two wedding bands from his pocket – both of them black, one of them a bit more delicate than the other. Kylo Ren grabs the smaller one and forces it onto my finger. I go to reach for the second ring, but he grabs that one next and puts it on his own finger, over his glove.

 

I scowl. I’d fantasized about being the one to put the ring on my future husband, and he even ruined that for me.

 

But now he has to take his mask off. Every wedding ends by kissing the bride. I’ll finally see what kind of deformity he’s hiding.

 

And then a jolt of ice hits my gut. I’ll have to kiss him. In front of all these people. I look down – I can’t look at him and control my breathing at the same time.

 

My feet leave the ground. I’m falling, and then I realize I’m in his arms, my head at the same level as my bare feet. He isn’t holding me securely – I have to wrap my arms around his neck so I don’t come crashing down, and by that time he’s halfway down the aisle, running. He swoops through the doorway like a raven.

 

The audience claps from behind the sealed doors, like my wedding was mere entertainment for them.

 

Kylo Ren sets me down on my feet. I try to push him away, even though it feels like a boulder is weighing down my left hand. “Don’t touch me.”

 

“Audrey.” His voice sounds strained, raspy through the mask. “Take my hand.”

 

I stare at his thick wedding band. He’s probably not going to keep wearing it – I doubt he values marriage much, if he’s immoral enough to kidnap a bride.

“Trust me.” Not an inch of his skin is revealed by his outfit. His robes look worn, as if he’s spent years hiding, not even trusting the sunlight to grace his skin – or scales, or whatever he has. Clearly this man doesn’t trust anyone. And he expects me to trust him?

 

Swallowing the knot in my throat, I slip my right hand into his left one, feeling the contours of his leather gloves, the smoothness of his wedding band. He weaves his fingers through mine, slowly. Even though my hands are callused from working as a slave, his touch is gentle enough to make me shiver.

 

I rip my hand away before I even know what I’m doing. It’s like touching fire. “I can’t.”

 

He looks like he’s going to grab my hand. But then he faces forward, and I can only see the side of his mask. “You will.”

 

* * *

 

  

The ceiling of his bedroom looks like a giant window, alive with glittering planets and shooting stars against a pure black sky.

 

“It’s a projection,” he explains, “of a satellite view of the sky around Starkiller Base. Since we’re always moving, the view is always changing.”

 

Who knew something this beautiful could be hidden in a place called Starkiller? My jaw loosens. “But it’s so dark. Where’s the sun?”

 

He cups my shoulders from behind and points at a tiny star in the corner. My heart sinks. It doesn’t look any different from most of the other stars. I feel tiny.

 

My gaze drops to the vast bed against the far wall, surprisingly dressed with white sheets. It has six pillows propped against the headboard, but only one of them has an impression left by someone’s head. There’s no way he sleeps with his helmet on. Or does he?

 

I close my eyes. I can only stall with questions for so long. Eventually he’s going to… to…

 

He releases my shoulders. “Sit on the bed.”

 

My feet feel like stones, but I get them to carry me over to his plush bed. I sit down, my spine stiff.

 

His voice is low. “My washroom is behind the door to your right. You may use it whenever you wish. I have stocked it with extra toiletries, including a toothbrush for you. In the closet to your left you will find some of the clothes I had delivered for you. These are yours as well.” He turns and heads to the exit.

 

I jump up. “Where are you going?”

 

He slams the button to open the door. “Out.” He steps into the hall and the door whizzes shut before I can speak.

 

I stand there in my wedding dress, in Kylo Ren’s bedroom – without Kylo Ren. I put so much energy into stressing about this night, and now he abandons me?

 

I remember what Zeena said about no one understanding him. I curse her, stretching my arms behind me, straining to reach the zillions of buttons she put on the dress. I’ll never wear it again, I don’t care if I rip it. At least those beautiful satin heels are still intact –

 

The ones I threw down at the altar.

 

I kick his oversized mattress. “Damn it!”

 

* * *

 

His bathroom is seriously cool. The bathtub is basically a pool with jets coming out the sides that massage you with endless streams of clean water, and you can adjust a knob to make it whatever temperature you want. He’s an asshole.

 

And his closet isn’t actually a closet, it’s a whole other room, and the left side is already a quarter of the way full of feminine clothes, which I’m pretty sure aren’t his so they’re probably mine. He is a huge asshole.

 

Now I’m wearing a silk nightgown which, according to the fairy tales of my childhood, I’m pretty sure is the colour of a pearl, and so soft I can barely feel it against my skin. My skin smelling of his soap, I snuggle into the left side of his bed – the side that looked less rumpled – and practically scream at how cozy it is.

 

Kylo Ren is a huge fucking asshole.

 

I figured out how to turn off the electric lamps, so now the only light is coming softly from the stars on the ceiling. I roll around in his bed, not because I can’t get comfortable, but because I want to feel every inch of it with my skin. I flip onto my stomach, pressing my face into the deep pillow and spreading my knees, feeling the sleek sheets against the inside of my thighs –

 

The door hisses open. I freeze. I’m covered with the blanket up to my chin. Maybe he won’t see me.

 

I hold my breath, waiting for him to get into bed.

 

Instead, I hear his footsteps head towards the bathroom. I flip onto my back and raise my head, trying to sneak a peek at him. He’s still wearing his helmet, but as he walks into the bathroom, he takes it off and places it on a table by the door. There’s enough light coming from the bathroom for me to see the back of his head. I catch a glimpse of thick, black, curling hair – and then he disappears behind the door, shutting it behind him.

 

My heart is pounding. That is not the hair of an old man.

 

I hear the sound of the bath running. Every second feels like a year. Will he ignore me if he thinks I’m asleep? Or will he –

 

A century later, the water shuts off. I practically choke on my own spit. I shuffle over as far as I can to the far left side of the bed, so when he climbs in, he won’t touch me right away.

 

What if he comes out naked?

 

I bury my face in the pillow to stop from screaming, hoping I don’t throw up. If he grabs me and rapes me, I’ll see what he looks like. And if he doesn’t – I don’t ever want to see his face.

 

The bathroom door opens. This is it. I can’t breathe.

 

His footsteps are slow. He crosses the room…

 

And walks to the closet.

 

I crane my neck to peek at him again. This time, beneath the light of the stars, I see his hair is slightly damp and tousled from being towel dried. His shoulders are bare and freckled, hard with muscle, and his back tapers down to a black towel wrapped high around his waist. He has skin – not scales – and, save for a few scars, it’s completely smooth.

 

Holy fuck, he’s  _young._ Maybe a decade older than me, but not as old as I expected.

I bite my lip so hard, I almost break the skin. Okay, so he has nice skin and hair – what am I doing, shopping? I shouldn’t be thinking these things about Kylo Ren.

 

About my husband.

 

I flip around and bury my face in the pillow again. I’m going to suffocate myself so I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

 

_This is the man who threatened to kill my mother._

_This is the man who can save my mother._

His footsteps trail out of the closet. Without his boots on, he sounds like he weighs less.

 

I press myself into the mattress, partly to stop myself from shaking and partly because I hope it will swallow me before he does.

 

There’s a weight at the very foot of the bed, as if he sat upon it. I stay still, until I can’t take it anymore. There’s no way he sleeps sitting up. I exhale the breath I was holding and peek over the blankets.

 

“I was wondering when you were going to look at me.” His voice is smoother, but just as deep, without the mask modulating it.

 

It’s dim, but my eyes have adjusted to the light enough to see he's wearing black silk lounge pants. I stare at his abdomen long enough to confirm he has an eight-pack, and then tear my gaze away, knowing he can probably read my expression. I trail my gaze up his hairless pectoral muscles and up to his pale face, surprisingly youthful in contrast to his strong, masculine body. His eyes are dark and guarded beneath a strong brow bone. His nose is assertively triangular, a little too big for his face but still beautiful. His lips are impossibly sensual and plush; they look too sensitive for their own good. And his black hair cascades in curls around his face, hiding his ears. Now I know why he hides behind a mask. He has the face of a man who is capable of expressing much more than he cares to, a face that yearns to betray every emotion.

 

My jaw drops. He is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.

 

I lie down on my side and hoist the blanket over my head. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to imagine the monster I thought he’d be.

 

This morning, I didn’t want to eat the First Order’s food. And then hunger overpowered my decision-making ability. I can’t afford to let the First Order chip away at my resistance to their evil. But now I’m worried about other carnal needs.

 

The first and only time I was kissed, it was full of passion – on my end. When I brought up the issue of sex, the boy said he had only kissed me out of pity. He was a friend who thought he was being “nice”. I had to stop hanging out with him after that. It felt like someone was stabbing my heart (and my back) every time I saw him. It hurt that my friend lied to me. It was also frustrating that I never got to sleep with him.

 

I keep telling myself that when the man I’m in love with loves me, it will be different. Possibly even amazing.

 

I feel his weight shift on the bed. He slips under the covers on the right side. His weight creates what seems like a black hole on the right side of the bed, pulling me towards him.

 

His heat creeps over and curls around my skin, bringing his dark, masculine scent along with it. My silk nightgown clings to the sweat forming between my thighs.

 

I have to do everything possible to prevent him from reading my mind again. If he finds out I how intensely I’m attracted to him, one of two horrible things will happen:

 

1) He’ll want nothing to do with me and I’ll be in the same situation I was in with the boy who kissed me. Only I’ll have to see him every day, which will trap me into eternal heartbreak.

 

2) He will be intensely attracted to me. He’ll seduce me. I’ll fall in love with him. And I’ll spend the rest of my life with the First Order trying to figure out if he loves me back.

 

I already know what it feels like to fall in love. It hurts.

 

I need to get home to the person who loves me.

 

“Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about our arrangement.” His low voice shatters the image of a monster I had in my head. Against my will, I think of his sensual lips and dark eyes. He is even more dangerous now that I know he’s beautiful.

 

I count down the seconds until he puts his hands on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got most of Hux's lines at the wedding from this website: http://www.angelfire.com/id/vancuren/wedscript.html  
> Also, I loved Kate Middleton's wedding dress so much that I tried to describe it succinctly but accurately enough to give it to Audrey!


	5. You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait! So many false starts with this chapter -- I have the entire plot outlined but I just couldn't seem to get this chapter out the way I knew it had to be written.  
> Plus, you know, life and shit. Gets in the way sometimes.  
> Thank you for your support!

The entire night, he doesn’t touch me. I'm so relieved, I could pee myself.

 

In the morning, I sit up in bed and wait for him to exit the bathroom. “Thank you.”

 

As the door closes behind him, he looks at me, puzzled.

 

“For not… raping me.” I shudder. “I don’t want to think about what Hux would have done to me, had you not rescued  --“ I stop myself when I hear my choice of words.

 

“Rescued you?” His gaze darkens and the corners of his lips twitch, as if he wants to smirk. “You know I’m only carrying out Supreme Leader Snoke’s wishes.”

 

I shake my head. “Last night could have gone a lot differently, if you were a different man.”

 

“What kind of man am I, Audrey?”

 

I have to look away from his intense brown eyes. “I don’t think you’re evil. I mean, you work for the First Order…” I trail off, frustrated. Growing up, I was taught that anyone who had anything to do with the First Order, with the Dark Side, was evil. But I’ve also learned that you can judge someone’s character based on their eyes. And Kylo Ren has the eyes of a decent person trapped in a face that’s been slapped too many times. He can’t be both bad and good, can he?

 

“Speaking of which, I must attend to my duties.” His long fingers grasp his helmet and he makes to put it on.

 

“Where are you going?” I hope I sound curious rather than frantic. The room suddenly seems so large at the prospect of his absence. I can’t believe I was terrified to be alone with him last night, and yet this morning I can’t imagine the room without him. How did I come to switch around the concepts in my mind; how did I come to equate his presence with safety?

 

His hardened expression flickers. For a brief moment, his eyes soften. Then he puts his helmet on quickly, as if he’s realized he’s exposed. “I don’t want you getting lost in the labyrinth of Starkiller's corridors. I will have breakfast sent to you. The safest place for you is here. Do you want me to keep you safe, Audrey?”

 

I feel my body heat up, as if a larger person is behind me, holding me. “Yes,” I finally say quietly, even though the way he worded his question made it impossible to say no without sounding like I was asking for danger.

 

Before he leaves, he looks at me over his shoulder. “Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

The door to the hall opens and he walks out. “For not stabbing me with a toothbrush in my sleep.” I get a glimpse of his smirk, and then he’s gone.

 

* * *

 

The domestic droid delivers a carafe of hot coffee, milk, and a plate heaped with French toast with warm maple syrup and icing sugar on top. Raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries are settled neatly around the edge of the plate.

 

I gesture to the small, clear cup containing a tiny red capsule. “What is this?”

 

“An iron- and folate-enriched multivitamin.”

 

I swallow the capsule. I’ve seen enough sick people on Jakku to know the importance of vitamins. I know it’s odd but, of all things, I don’t want to lose my teeth. “Thank you.”

 

The droid continues, “I relayed your concerns to the kitchen and secured for you twice the normally designated amount of rations. The nutritionist advised that this multivitamin is perfectly tailored to your situation.”

 

I nearly burn my mouth on the fresh coffee. “There’s a vitamin for married women?” As soon as I ask the question, I understand the droid’s meaning. “Oh…” As I hold the mug of coffee up to my lips again, the steam makes it feel like I’m blushing.

 

How do I explain to this droid that Kylo Ren didn’t… do what she thinks he did? A part of me wants to defend him, this man with soft brown eyes hidden in the darkness of his mask.

 

Another part of me doesn’t want to give her a reason to stop sending me gigantic breakfasts with extra vitamins.

 

I place my hand on my stomach, which is so full of food I almost feel pregnant, so it’s not hard to fake. “What else does the nutritionist recommend?”

 

The droid glances at my plate; I’ve already eaten all the fruit. “Lunch will be served in four hours and eighteen minutes. In the meantime, I am authorized to provide you with a smoothie, made with fresh pomegranates and –“

 

I almost squeal, but then decide to play it cool, in case she realizes that I’m taking advantage of her and the kitchen staff. “That sounds delicious. I think we’ll enjoy that.” I pat my stomach.

 

The droid jumps a little, but whether it’s from excitement or surprise I can’t tell. “Right away, madam.” She exits with a little whirring noise of the wheels in her feet.

 

I’ve never been called madam in my life. It makes me feel older, but in a good way. Like I deserve respect.

 

The mug of coffee has cooled down enough for me to down it in one shot. Then I attack the French toast. With no one here to watch me, I can eat as ravenously as I do back home.

 

I’ll learn to pace myself later.

 

* * *

 

When I hear Kylo Ren come back, I’m sitting in the bathtub sipping on the pomegranate smoothie that is so large, it lasted even after lunch. There’s no clock in Kylo Ren’s room, so I have to guess the time by when meals are served. Dinner hasn’t been served yet, so it might be late afternoon. Or maybe they don’t eat supper here till late.

 

“Audrey?” His deep, modulated voice comes from behind the door. I’ve locked it, but I still freeze. Can I trust him not to use the Force to unlock the door?

 

“I’m in here.” My voice comes out higher than I wanted it to.

 

“I’d like to have a bath.”

 

I set my smoothie on the silver table beside the bathtub; the table has little black gems all around its square edge. His bathtub is big enough for three people. I imagine what he would look like, sitting beside me, his chest freckled with water droplets –

 

I stand up so the cold air shocks me back to reality. “I’ll get out.” I stare at the door handle, terrified that he’ll burst in and see me naked.

 

When I unlock the door, a black bath sheet wrapped snugly around as much of my body as it will cover, he’s standing so close to the doorway I collide with him in my haste to exit. His uniform is strewn on the bed and all he wears is a black tunic and pants. Embarrassed, I drop my gaze – but not before noticing his tunic is unbuttoned just enough to reveal the dip between his collarbones. His skin is so pale, it’s like seeing a slice of the moon.

 

He slips past me into the bathroom. I dart towards the closet for some clothes.

 

“Just a moment.”

 

I freeze, but it isn’t because he’s using the Force. His voice is so quiet, so smooth, I want to listen. I want more.

 

I hear his footsteps behind me, my heart hammering with every footfall. His calloused hand touches my bare shoulder. “You forgot this.”

 

He holds out the smoothie. Or at least what’s left of it; there are a few seeds peeking out from the creamy froth at the bottom of the cup.

 

When I take the cup, wordlessly, the weight of his hand leaves my shoulder. “I’d like to show you something tonight.” His voice flows into my ear.

 

My heart stops. I’m happy he’s behind me so he can’t see my look of panic.

 

“Wear one of your beautiful white dresses. We’ll leave when I’m finished my bath.”

 

I want to dart towards the closet for safety, but a part of me wants to turn around and face him. I need to see his eyes, to know if I can trust him – if only in this moment. “How long will you be?”

 

By the time I’ve turned around, his back is to me and he’s walking to the bathroom. “As long as I like.” He runs the faucet and casts a glance over his shoulder. “Do you plan on watching me?”

 

“Oh –“ I spin around.

 

“Close the door, Audrey.” He glances at the bathroom door.

 

I hastily walk over and press the button to shut the door, but not before seeing him strip his tunic off his muscled back.

 

I don’t exhale until I’m safely in the closet.

 

I realize I’m still holding the smoothie cup. I place it on the floor and turn away from it, examining the mostly ivory and cream coloured clothing that makes up my side of the closet. A swatch of cobalt blue stands out from the rest.

 

The backless dress. At least Kylo Ren didn’t ask me to wear something blue.

 

I select a cute, eyelet above-the-knee dress and pair it with a cardigan, only buttoning it around my waist to give the impression that I have somewhat of a figure. Zeena’s given me lots of shoes, some of them with three-inch heels ( _so she still has faith in me_ , I think with a smile) but I put on the ones she gave me two days ago, the ones with the bows. They are the most familiar to me.

 

* * *

 

In the hallway, I have no idea where we’re going, so I let him lead. He isn’t wearing his mask, so, when he holds out his hand, I check his expression. His gaze is fiery, as usual, but it doesn’t look like he wants to hurt me. Cautiously, I slip my bare hand into his larger, gloved one. The leather is smooth; I remember the callouses hidden underneath.

 

“Your husband is a stranger. I’m going to change that.”

 

His bluntness is unnerving. The footsteps of the people in the next hallway sound like they’re right in my ear.

 

He takes me to a long, dark corridor, much like the one that leads to Snoke’s cathedral-like tomb, but this one has a narrower door, one that looks less used.

 

Kylo Ren has to press against the button with all his weight, as if the door is reluctant to open. The door opens slowly and then he leads me inside. He gestures for me to sit on the only chair in the room, across from –

 

A squat podium holds a replica of one of the most feared images I’ve ever seen. “I want to go.”

 

The door closes and he stands in front of it. Disappointment flashes in his eyes, but the expression quickly turns into irritation. “This is important.”

 

I try to reach past his solid body so I can press the button.

 

He doesn’t push me away, but he doesn’t move either. “This… will help you understand me.”

 

There’s no way I’m reaching that button. He’s impossible. “Seeing your replica of –“ I can barely say the name of the man who traumatized the galaxy so badly that the next generation is still feeling the ripples of destruction. “—Darth Vader’s helmet?”

 

He scowls, arrogance forcing his lower lip out. “This is not a replica.”

 

I shut my eyes. The room feels like it’s full of dead souls.

 

I’m trying so hard to forget where I am, I barely feel his hands clasp mine. “Darth Vader was my grandfather. He was the only family I had. He is alive in my heart. I can still feel his presence.”

 

I gaze up at him, stunned. “Your only family? What about your parents, your --?”

 

He drops my hands. “There is no one.” His torso brushes against my shoulder as he stalks toward the helmet.

 

The button for the door is uncovered. Part of me wants to escape, but another part of me wants to learn more about him. Zeena said no one has ever been able to understand him; maybe if someone did, he could change, like Darth Vader did? “Grief can… hurt people,” I falter, wanting to express sympathy.

 

Kylo Ren sits down and looks up at me. For a moment, his eyes remind me of a stray puppy that I don’t want to scare away.

 

He puts his face in his hands. I walk over and crouch down in front of him, not sure if I should touch him.

 

“You said you didn’t think I was evil.” He drops his hands, revealing reddened eyes. His mouth is hard, as if he’s using anger to mask his emotions. His breaths are the only thing I can hear in the room for several moments. “You know what it’s like to have your father abandon you.”

 

I don’t know whether he’s asking me or telling me. I feel a muscle in my neck twitch.

 

He looks down. I’ve grabbed his hand without thinking.

 

His breaths halt.

 

His thumb grazes the back of my hand –

 

“Your grandfather.” I pull my hands back into my lap. “I know he means a lot to you. But he repented. I’ve heard legends about Luke Skywalker looking into his eyes, right before he died, and seeing a good man. A horribly flawed, damaged man – but there was good inside him.”

 

He curls one hand over the other in a fist. “A legend. They also say Darth Vader planned to use the power of the Dark Side to save my grandmother’s life.”

 

“Padme died,” I say gently. “The Dark Side didn’t help either of them.”

 

He stands up, his eyes aflame. “He never even tried.”

 

I pretend his sudden ferocity didn’t startle me and stand up too.

 

“But I will do what he could not. I can save your mother with power of the Dark Side. If you let me help you, I’ll become stronger in my use of the Force.”

 

The entire room is the colour of charcoal. His soft black hair blends with the background and a dark pit opens in my stomach. _I was stupid to think he cared about me._ “You don’t have to use the Dark Side. There’s healing energy in the Light Side too. You are strong enough to –“

 

He turns around and kicks over the chair. I wince but then change my expression; whatever power I have here, I’ll lose it if he sees me scared.

 

His shoulders tense and he yells over his shoulder, “You must join the Dark Side too. Pledge yourself.” My jaw drops, but he interrupts, whipping around to face me. “You love your mother, Audrey. Do this for her.”

 

My heart races. Every instinct tells me to run.

 

I step towards him until I’ve invaded his personal space. His electricity burns me.  “You do your best to heal my mother. But if you use the Dark Side and you fail – you stay with me. On the Light Side. Where you belong –“

 

His eyes are wild. He’s going to explode.

 

But then his face returns to its normal paleness. As if the Force is at work, his hair seems to smooth itself. He caresses my cheek with a cool, gloved hand. “You really want to see me change, don’t you?”

 

Afraid that he’s reading my mind again, I step back. He lowers his gloved hand and it brushes, as if by accident, against my collarbone. “I think you can do anything,” I breathe.

 

He walks to the chair, slowly righting it again. “You’re stubborn.” He takes his time placing the chair back in its proper place, as if daring me to interrupt him. “But you are not nearly as important to my destiny as I think you’d like to believe.” His lower lip pouts a little and he brushes the dust off the seat. “Here is my promise to you: if I let your mother die, I will let you return home. Forever.”

 

“You mean I wouldn’t have to come back to Starkiller Base.”

 

“I will divorce you.”

 

I stare at him, wary. “And I wouldn’t be sentenced to death?”

 

“You can live. On Jakku. Or wherever you’d like.”

 

“But I’ll be alone –“

 

“You’d be free. The nightmare would be over.” He swallows. His face seems to fall, or maybe he’s just exhausted.

 

Part of me doesn’t want to live on Jakku alone. It was hard enough living without my dad, and he wasn’t even there most of the time when he was alive. But living without my mom? Without anyone? At least on Starkiller Base, I had food and shelter.

 

But not freedom. I could marry someone else on Jakku, or another planet, and start my own family.

 

I’ve never been alone.

 

I shut my eyes. The image of my mother – the unlined face I remember from my childhood, not the pale face brought on by her infection – burns in my head. Dizzy, I sit on the chair.

 

He grasps my hand. I open my eyes to see him kneeling on one knee in front of me. “Do you accept my proposal?”

 

I squeeze his hand, trying to feel a callous underneath the leather. “I do.”


	6. Till

I follow Kylo Ren out of the room. No sooner does the door creak closed behind us, does Hux pop up like a ginger surprise.

“General Hux.” Kylo Ren is so broad and tall, I have to peek out from behind his shoulder.

Hux’s nose is almost always crinkled as if in disgust but, when he sees Kylo Ren, his nose straightens out. Then he looks down at me, his pupils tiny inside his electric blue irises. “I need to talk to you.”

“Me?” I blurt out, confused.

“Not you,“ Hux spits, then looks at Kylo Ren. “You.”

“I’m heading to my chamber with my wife.”

Hux’s red hair seems to go prickly, like a cat that’s been spooked. Other than that, he keeps himself composed. “Supreme Leader Snoke requests our presence.”

Kylo Ren nods. He takes my hand and leads me ahead of Hux.

“The girl will not be necessary.”

Kylo Ren keeps walking. “My wife will go where I go.”

I want to turn around to see Hux’s expression, but I can't resist Kylo Ren's pull. Even though I tried so hard to prepare myself for independence when I was on Jakku – I wanted my mom to know she could rely on me, that I didn’t need her to provide for me – a part of me doesn’t believe that I was made to be independent, or even the dominant one in a relationship. It feels kind of nice to have someone to follow, like the whirring part of my brain can finally relax.

* * *

Hux stands stiff before the massive throne. “I informed him that the girl’s presence was not necessary.”

Snoke’s serpent eyes flicker at me. Even though he’s only a holographic image, I feel like he can smell me. I will myself not to shudder.

Kylo Ren had let go of my hand as soon as we entered the room, but now he touches the back of my arm, briefly. Is he defending me? Or was the touch accidental, a result of readjusting his stance? “Supreme Leader –“

“I will send for you when I require your presence,” Snoke says. Relieved to be dismissed, I go to turn around, but then Snoke adds, “Hux.”

If Hux is irked, he doesn’t show it. He shoots an icy glare at me before marching towards the door and exiting. I don’t hear Hux’s footsteps after the door seals shut, so there’s no way to tell whether Hux is gone for good and the lair is soundproof, or whether he’s attempting to listen through the door.

“It is true that I requested to see you and Hux,” Snoke says to Kylo Ren, “but I believe in taking advantage of what lies before me.” Again, his eyes flicker at me and his lips twitch. It’s barely a smile, but somehow it makes his face look even uglier.

“There is talk that Audrey is with child.” Snoke’s smile cracks a little wider, but the shadow over his eyes darkens. “Is there reason to believe this is true?”

I want to shout, _No,_ but hold back. A part of me suspects that keeping quiet, at least for now, is smarter.

Is it possible for something as low status as a domestic droid to have direct communication with the Supreme Leader? Unless someone working in the kitchen told Snoke. It seems bizarre for a kitchen staff member to inform the Supreme Leader about something that’s essentially hearsay.

Unless Snoke demanded a report specifically on my status. But why would he ask a domestic droid or a member of the kitchen staff?

Maybe he didn’t speak to anyone. He might have planted hidden microphones in Kylo Ren’s bedroom.

The dusty smell of the lair wafts into my nostrils. I have to glance down to check if there are insects in the air, clinging to my clothes.

I should have let that domestic droid go to the scrap metal recycling unit.

 _No_. I shouldn’t have lied to her. This is my fault. I should have taken only the food that was offered to me. Will Kylo Ren get in trouble because of me? Will Snoke punish us – punish _him_ , I mean – by passing me into the clutches of Hux instead?

 _Anyone but Hux_.

I glance at Kylo Ren – his brows are furrowed and he looks like he’s about to speak –

“I apologize if I have given anyone false hope,” I pipe up.

I feel Kylo Ren’s eyes on me. Snoke’s expression doesn’t change.

My heart speeds up. “With all due respect, Supreme Leader –” I decide to be respectful even though the sight of him makes my legs shake with fright and I couldn’t imagine having less respect for someone so terrifying and awful. “I am wondering why you have taken such an interest in my… status.”

“We would like to make your stay here more hospitable, Audrey. No doubt you have been feeling a sense of _emptiness_ , of _loneliness_ , since leaving your family.” If his face wasn’t so serious, I’d swear he was mocking me. “A child to love would give you a sense of purpose. Perhaps it would fill that great hole of despair welling inside your heart.” He leans forward, eyes unblinking, like he’s about to devour me.

It sounds like he’s thinking of my best interests, which can’t be true. But how do I tell him I don’t believe a word he says without arousing his suspicions? I look to Kylo Ren, but he keeps his gaze fixed on Snoke.

Snoke notices me looking at Kylo Ren and narrows his eyes, as if daring me to ask another question. It seems as though Snoke is used to having unquestioning faith from his subjects. It doesn’t seem like he gets that loyalty through love – it looks like he maintains it using fear. What is he capable of doing to people who disagree with him, who question his authority? I don’t want to risk finding out. I try to maintain eye contact, to look neutral even though I’m scared of him.

Snoke changes his tune, though his voice remains cold. “You are still adjusting to our culture here. Perhaps you are not used to your superiors having expectations of you.”

Kylo Ren seems to have picked up on something I haven’t. “We are more than willing to adhere to your deadline, Supreme Leader, if you will grant us one.”

“The deadline is not mine to impose. The universe is what informs us when our efforts have come too late. Love is like war, it is advantageous to be the first to act. I would have expected the battle to have begun on your wedding night. However, there are situations in which it is better to bide our time.”

Tiny particles of stone fall from the ceiling behind him, falling against the floor like an unsteady metronome.

Snoke continues, “Perhaps, after all that waiting, you may find that you are unable to conceive. And then what shall become of you? Starkiller is not a stranger to barren young women. If you cannot produce a child, perhaps there are other men who would find Audrey quite useful. In fact, I believe General Hux is in dire need of a female concubine.”

Kylo Ren’s shoulders tense. He grabs my hand, as if guarding me. “Audrey will conceive my child, Supreme Leader Snoke.”

 _No!_ I shiver, telling myself that Kylo Ren only wants to protect me from being given to another man – Hux specifically. He’s just buying us time. He doesn’t want a child, does he?

Unless the domestic droid didn’t tell Snoke. Maybe she told Kylo Ren.

Part of me wants to yank my hand away from his grasp. Another part of me feels like if I let go, I’ll faint.

“One year,” Snoke says. “If you have not borne a child by this time in one year, we will consider other arrangements. Unless you would like to consider them now, Audrey.”

I want to speak but it feels like a cold, bony finger is in the back of my throat. I know Kylo Ren isn’t capable of raping me, otherwise he would’ve done it by now. And I can’t do anything that might take me away from him – what if the next man I get passed to (I try not to think of Hux) prevents me from flying back to Jakku with him? Does Snoke even know about our deal?

A year from now feels so far away. As much as it hurts to think about this, what if Kylo Ren can’t heal Mom? Then I’ll be free and I won’t have to worry about Snoke coercing me into having a kid.

A year is plenty of time to –

I think about my mother secretly making that deal with the Stormtroopers when I was thirteen. The one that landed me here. I hang my head. Now I understand what could have led her to make such a decision. Immediate concerns almost always win out over fears for the future.

 _Have faith,_ I hear my mother’s voice, an echo from a time she wasn’t talking to me, but I was listening _. I will figure this out._

I can’t look at Snoke’s eyes anymore without feeling like insects are crawling all over me, so I turn my head to look at Kylo Ren.

He looks down at me, his gaze softening. A strange part of me feels less alone, standing before Snoke with Kylo Ren, compared to the first time I stood in this room. I want so badly for him to be a good person.

But right now, all the signs are pointing towards Kylo Ren manipulating me, through Snoke, into having his kid. I think back to Snoke’s statement about Kylo Ren being the best at motivating me. Just how cunning is he?

Snoke taps his finger against his armrest, silently counting the deaths of each second.

* * *

“You were listening.”

“I was waiting,” Hux justifies himself to Kylo Ren. A pillar of darkness, he’s leaning against the wall outside Snoke’s lair.

To make myself less intimidated by Hux and the possibility of me being his sex slave if I fuck up, I tell myself he looks like a carrot wrapped in electrical tape.

Kylo Ren walks over to face him head on, his robes billowing behind him as he moves. “The intel. How did he know?”

“I know not of what you speak. Maybe next time you should be more eager to let me stay.”

Kylo Ren clenches his fists. I don’t want a fight, so I speak up. “Why were you waiting for us?”

Hux fixes his cool gaze on me. “I was waiting for you. I enjoy seeing how much your body trembles after meeting with Supreme –“

A bolt of red slices the air. I jump.

“Leave.” Kylo Ren’s lightsaber seems to growl at the same time he does. Even though he’s staring at Hux, could he be talking to me? Does he want me to leave so he can rip Hux apart?

Hux glares at Kylo Ren, seeming more annoyed than anything. He turns and marches down the hallway. After he turns a corner, Kylo Ren moves as if to follow him, lightsaber still brandished.

My hands sweat. I try to keep up with his fast pace, hoping I can stop him from attacking Hux –

Kylo Ren strikes the wall, lightsaber in his right hand and his left fist flying. He keeps slashing, randomly. Tiny metal shards jump out from each fresh rip in the wall.

I flinch. I want to cover my head and run away, in case a shard lands in my eye.

Instead, I stand there, almost in awe of his rage. Is he upset because Hux insulted me? Or is he taking out days of frustration with wanting me – and not having me?

He lets out a cross between a grunt and a cry – the lightsaber deactivates and drops to the floor.

“Kylo –“ I want him to turn around so I can see if any shards landed on him, but he drops to his knees and clutches his hand. I rush over and crouch beside him. His left glove is torn, revealing a shallow wound, bright red and jagged just like his weapon.

If I were a different person, maybe raised differently, I could sigh. Or even be so cruel as to laugh at him. _How can I not bear to see him in pain, when he doesn’t care if I get hurt?_

But is that true? Force, could he really care about me?

He keeps his head bowed. He’s too proud to ask for help. I pick up his ‘saber and hook it back on his belt, realizing too late how close my hands are to his groin. My fingers accidentally graze his narrow waist and I almost drop the ‘saber.

He’s looking at my mouth in a way that suggests he hoped I didn’t realize he was looking. An errant lock of black hair is in his eyes. He’s panting slightly from the exertion of his outburst. His lips are full and flushed.

It hits me like a gale, how beautiful he is.

“We’re leaving tonight.”

His tone of voice shocks me back to reality. As I register his words, an image of my mom lying, weak, in the healer’s tent, in her final days, surfaces in my mind. I wish I was there _now_.

I realize I’m clutching my left hand, as if his injury left a phantom on my own skin. “Are you sure you’re okay to fly?”

He tries to stand up and wobbles.

I catch his hand. “You look exhausted.”

‘I’m fine.” He flicks an errant lock of hair away from his face.

“You need your strength if you’re going to heal a terminal infection. I don’t want our flight to be all for nothing.” I can’t believe I’m arguing to spend another night on Starkiller Base. “You need to learn to take a break,” I add gently, but he gives me a hardened look as if I’ve scolded him.

His hand goes to his belt to check if I fastened his lightsaber correctly. “Perhaps you’re right. Let’s go to bed.” He turns to walk down the hall.

I freeze.

He looks back at me. “Not… like that.” He holds out his hand. I take it and follow him so I don’t get lost.

* * *

“My mom used to bandage my dad’s cuts and scrapes all the time. He never got in a lightsaber fight – but this doesn’t look too bad.” We’re sitting on the edge of his bed. Luckily there was a first aid kit in the bathroom, so I didn’t have to send for the domestic droid. I’m not looking forward to facing her tomorrow. Not that I should have let myself trust her, but she was the first to see me in my wedding dress. It’s weird how emotional attachments can form over small things.

He raises an eyebrow at me. His bare hand is in my lap.

“I’m trying to say I’m experienced,” I conclude, inspecting the wound for any stray bits of leather or metal. The stars on his ceiling twinkle but nothing in the wound twinkles – lucky for him.

“Your father was employed in a dangerous sector?”

I start cleaning the wound with gauze dampened with saline. He hisses and turns his face away. “I thought it was his job when I was younger.” I can’t leave it at that, not with the way his gaze darts back to me in questioning, so I add, in one breath, “My dad was addicted to gambling. He didn’t always play fair, so...” I trail off, remembering all the hollow promises my dad made about what he would buy for us when he finally won big.

 _I just want you to be happy_ , he would say to my mom. And the thing was, he really meant it.

“And your mother was okay with it?”

“She said it was something he couldn’t control.” He keeps looking at me, so I sigh. “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.” I unscrew a tube of scar-minimizing ointment and squeeze a blob onto a cotton-tipped applicator.

His right hand twitches, as if he was going to touch me but decided against it. His deep brown eyes regard my hands with amusement. “You’re fastidious, Audrey.”

I’m not one hundred percent sure what fastidious means, but he’s smiling so I take it as a compliment. I wonder: does he know words that I don’t because he has more education? Or is it because he’s older? I wish I knew more about his background. “What about your parents?”

He smirks and shakes his head. “No. We’re still talking about your parents. Your mother abandoned you, giving you to the First Order. But you don’t seem to see it that way. You still love her.”

I apply the ointment carefully to his wound. I’m still curious about him. I’ll have to convince him to open up in a more indirect way. “She was trying to save my dad’s life. And… give me a better one.”

“Is this better?” His voice is quiet. His thick lashes shield his eyes as he looks down at his hand, the ointment glistening in the artificial starlight.

“You don’t know my mom. She’s practical. Well, except for choosing my dad. My parents were both kind of hopeless romantics.” _I guess that’s where I get it from,_ I realize, but I don’t say that. How embarrassing. “The day I left home – the night you came for me – my mom said ‘love is not enough’. That’s not something she would’ve said when my dad was alive.”

“His death hardened her.”

I almost forgot his ability to make me feel naked. I drop my gaze and busy myself with unwrapping a self-adhesive bandage.

He raises his unwounded hand, slowly, to my cheek. If I pull away, that might make him less likely to trust me with the details of his family history, so I force myself to stay put. The tip of his bare finger touches my earlobe. His lips part. “Let me see you, Audrey.” His voice sounds far away and I’m suddenly aware of how warm the room feels…

_The sunrise peeked through the window at my mom, kneeling beside my dad next to our squat kitchen table. I was supposed to be sleeping; they didn’t know I was watching._

_“I’m sorry, Hira.” His eye was swollen, purple; Mom held a damp cloth against it._

_She handed him the cloth and stood up. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or not –_

_She turned and caught my eye before I could hide. I darted back to bed._

_When she entered my small room, I could barely see her face. It was dim; I usually kept my blinds drawn to keep out as much of the hot sun as possible. I didn’t know if she could see my face but I glared at her anyway._

_“Your father says that’s the last time he’ll come home past bedtime.”_

_Why did she want make it seem like the only reason I was upset was because he forgot to tuck me in?_

_Even when I was quiet, Mom could usually figure out what I was thinking. “He’ll change, darling,” she added quietly. Was she speaking to herself, or did she just not want Dad to overhear?_

_I turned onto my side. “How do you know?” I muttered._

_She walked over and kissed me on the forehead. She was close enough for me to see her face in the dim light. “Because I have faith in him.”_

_I wanted her to be angry, like me – somehow that would’ve felt more validating. But she just looked…_

“At peace.” Kylo Ren lowers his hand. My cheek feels cold; I want to grab his hand and press it back against my face.

Instead, I apply the bandage to the back of his hand. He tilts his head. “That wasn’t so hard to explain after all.” He looks down at the bandage, pretending to inspect my work.

He looks distant. Finally, he says, “My parents had their own agenda. I didn’t fit into it. So… I made my own.”

I hold my breath. My tactic of asking questions didn’t work, so I stay quiet in case he has something else to say.

His brows knit together. “They were disappointed. They never cared if I was disappointed with _them_. But I found a way to get what they couldn’t give me.”

“Love?” I regret the question the second it flies out of my mouth. He glares at me like I’ve used a curse word. Heat floods my face.

“Power.” His tone lacks the passion of his earlier statements, as if he’s reading the word off someone else’s script.

I hesitate. I don’t want to anger him further, but – “Is that all you need?”

I can’t stop looking at his beautiful face, his eyes that betray unmistakeable longing.

The last time I had an emotional conversation with a boy was last year, and I’ve never had a deeply emotional conversation with a man.

For the first time, I let him see the longing in my eyes too.

The muscles of his hand tense behind the bandage. His fist begins to clench – and then he hisses.

“Hold still.” I place my hand over his warm, bare fingers.

He pulls his hand away. “I don’t care if it scars.” He scoops up the first aid kit and soiled gauze and escapes into the bathroom.

My shoulders sink. When the door shuts behind him, I head to the closet to put on a nightgown, then slip into bed.

* * *

I stay awake until he slips into bed beside me, praying the whole time that he’ll start the conversation where we left off. But he is silent for what seems like an eternity.

Defeated, I succumb to shallow sleep.

His deep voice pulls me back into a semi-conscious state. “Thank you.” My eyelids are heavy but I manage to open them just enough to see him lying on his back, his bare chest and shoulders exposed above the blanket, his freckles like fallen stars. His head is turned towards me and his dark curls dominate the pillow.

After my eyelids fall shut, his breaths become slow, rhythmic, as if he’s fallen asleep. Then –

“How do you know if your father loved you?”

Is he restarting the conversation, or do I just want this desperately enough to dream it? I struggle to put a response together through my sleep-induced haze. “When we were all together… I don’t think I really appreciated it when I was little, I just sort of took it for granted. I knew the love my parents had for each other and the love they had for me… that would never change. My mom had faith in him, and I had faith in her, so…”

“You had faith your father loved you even though he abandoned you over and over?”

My weight sinks deeper into the mattress. “Yeah.”

He exhales. “I thought I could have faith in my parents.”

“Are they… still together? Do they still love each other?”

He doesn’t say anything.

My feet are usually cold in bed, but they feel warm tonight. “Well if they are, then… that’s something to have faith in.”

“My mother said she couldn’t stand my father when they first met.”

“My parents said it was love at first sight.” I’d be able to open my eyes if his voice wasn’t like a lullaby.

As I slip away from him, into a dream or nightmare I’m not sure yet, he murmurs, “Perhaps there are different paths to falling in love.”


End file.
